how do i begin the most self-revelatory blog post i have ever written?
how do i, all at once, share with the entire electronic world a secret that only a few friends have known?
my secret isn't sensational tabloid material: i'm not secretly popping vicodin, i'm not actually a guy, i don't need a bailout, and i'm definitely not getting adopted by angelina jolie. nothing like that.
my secret is ... i might get cancer.
there. i wrote it. lame secret, huh?
actually, my secret is that i am a genetic mutant. probably just like you.
someday, maybe, scientists will understand the entire makeup of our dna, the purpose of every gene, the secrets locked in every chromosome. that day, i think they will find that every person has wayward wiring and errant genes ... adam and eve fell and we've been genetically tumbling ever since. my opinion aside, despite the scientific advancements of the tech age, it's still rare to be diagnosed with a genetic mutation. i'm 1 in 800.
my mutation, brca1 (along with its associate, brca2), is a poster child for cancer-causing genetic mutations. why? most discovered mutations cause a slight to moderate increased risk for cancer. in contrast, brca1 carries up to 44% risk of ovarian cancer, 2-3 fold increased risk of melanoma, possible increased risk of pancreatic cancer, increased risk of prostate cancer, and (the zinger) a whopping possible 87% risk of breast cancer.
that's 9 in 10.
... as in strangle-me-with-your-powder-pink-ribbons-nine-in-freaking-ten.
so ... what's a girl to do?
this girl has had some time to think, (i was diagnosed last summer), to talk to some "experts" (another blog, another time), to get used to the idea ...
but, you know, it's kind of hard to get used to something that hasn't happened ... to make peace with a hypothetical ... to accept something that resists acceptance for the simple reason that it doesn't exist - yet.
i'm not saying peace is impossible; in fact, i know that, though elusive, it's not impossible.
how do i know?
because "neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation [... even genetic mutations], will be able to separate us from the love of god that is in christ jesus our lord." (romans 8:38-39)
so i'm in the process of making peace with genetic mutant me. and who knows - maybe i'll get superpowers out of the deal!
“be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is god's will for you in christ jesus.” (1 thessalonians 5:16-18)
so ... what's a girl to do?
this girl has had some time to think, (i was diagnosed last summer), to talk to some "experts" (another blog, another time), to get used to the idea ...
but, you know, it's kind of hard to get used to something that hasn't happened ... to make peace with a hypothetical ... to accept something that resists acceptance for the simple reason that it doesn't exist - yet.
i'm not saying peace is impossible; in fact, i know that, though elusive, it's not impossible.
how do i know?
because "neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation [... even genetic mutations], will be able to separate us from the love of god that is in christ jesus our lord." (romans 8:38-39)
so i'm in the process of making peace with genetic mutant me. and who knows - maybe i'll get superpowers out of the deal!
“be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is god's will for you in christ jesus.” (1 thessalonians 5:16-18)
5 comments:
Oh, Lani! (I've started and re-started this comment half a dozen times too.) I often lift you up in prayer (health/headaches/foot-injury/misc) and I will definitely add this to the list. I know that God could spare you from cancer if it is in His will, but if he chooses to let you go through this trial I will pray for the strength and peace to endure it. (I'll pray really, really hard for the whole spare-you-from-this-trial part!) Know that you are loved and have many people who are willing to walk this with you if you want/need. Thank you for being open and sharing with us.
Thanks for sharing this with the "rest of the world", Lani. I know how intimidating this post was for you, and I'm really proud of you for braving the beast and being vulnerable! :)
We love you and are praying for you...(and I really love that ninja turtles pic)!! ;)
wow, lalani, i am so sorry that you were diagnosed with this. it's hard to know what to say, but i am thankful you shared.
i don't want to give "advice" because that's lame, and trivial. but we shouldn't accept this fate yet! it has not occurred, and by faith we will stand against this (as staci said). this has to be very difficult to deal with, i couldn't even imagine. you have Jesus on your side, and we can continuously pray and find solace in Him.
what a bold move, lani! i am so impressed with your candor and even more than impressed i am emboldened and encouraged by it. thank you for making yourself vulnerable so that the rest of us can draw strength. we also get the privilege of praying as you journey through this strange "acceptance". you have always been wise beyond your years and again you are displaying the wisdom God has gifted you. i love you dear friend and you know there are so many who would be honored to hold you when it's just too difficult to walk on.
really appreciate the encouraging words, support, and prayer. they mean so very much. i will keep y'all updated. (at the very least, i've had a couple humorous dr. appts that i'll be blogging about!) :)
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