Thursday, December 4, 2008

what really happened

*mothership to pot roast: do you read me, pot roast. over.

*roger, mothership. this is pot roast. target set. female, blonde, 21yrs old. height: 5'6. weight: unknown. location: litte white house with green shutters and 3 big ugly rocks in the yard, earth. over.

*roger, pot roast. blast her out of the kitchen.
over.


9am:
female target arrives at workplace. no prior contact with pot roast has been established.
11:12am: female target remembers that she was supposed to start the crockpot at 8:45am that morning.
11:16am: female target leaves workplace.
11:17am: female target arrives at the little white house with green shutters and 3 big ugly rocks in the yard.
11:19am: female target retrieves limp pot roast from refrigerator.
11:19am: female target removes plastic outer shell from pot roast with serrated steak knife.
11:20am: female target attempts to slide pot roast from foam tray into crockpot using serrated steak knife.
11:20am: pot roast, cackling gleefully, launches itself from foam tray, catapulting cow blood across female target's countertop, toaster, microwave, french press, coffee grinder, cupboards, walls, and floor.
11:21am: female target is glued in place for approximately 3:16 minutes, staring at the cow blood dripping down her kitchen walls as pot roast cheerfully oozes slime in crockpot.
11:24am: female target engages in frenzied cleaning.
11:33am: female target, finished with frenzied cleaning, finishes dinner, makes herself lunch, and is leaving when...
11:34am: garbage can expells products of cleaning frenzy onto kitchen floor (including blood soaked disinfectant wipes and foam tray still half full of cow blood).
11:35am: female target swears to kill all cows.

*pot roast to mothership: mission accomplished.

4 comments:

Amie said...

Ha Ha! You have some pretty wild things going on at your house!

lani said...

yeah... a testament to my lack whatsoever of any organizational or domestic skill.

Tim and Heidi Thomas said...

Ok, so I am a little behind. I heard you tell the story live in person and it was a mental picture to behold. But I must say, this "more accurate" rendition you have posted on your blog is thoroughly entertaining. I was riveted to my seat and I couldn't decide wether I wanted to be the "hero" who runs (in slow motion) yelling NNNOOOOO!!! as he ran across the living room diving through the kitchen door snatching the roast at the very last second to prevent it from succeeding in it's bloody rampage, or wether I wanted to be the pot roast and have a good laugh.
Thanks for continuing to surprise me with unbelievably random, enlightening and amusing tales from your kitchen.

-T

lani said...

well thank you, mr. thomas.
(my recommendation: don't be a pot roast.)

:D