the fish coroner

[ahem]

when in the course of piscine events it becomes necessary for one fish to be released from the tropical world which has cradled it and to be delivered to that great fishbowl in the sky...
don't flush it.

tropical fish keeping is not a hobby for sensitive souls. believe me, i know. (sensitive soul here.) you think you're going to buy a pretty fish tank and some pretty plants and some pretty rocks and some pretty "tank deco-art" and some pretty fish and they will swim around and be happy and bright and pretty until they die of old age in, oh, maybe 10 years. all you have to do is feed them some bright, pretty fish flakes that come in a bright, pretty jar!
ha ha.

so you buy your tank and your fish, and within a couple months your fish are sprouting white hair - the kind that grows out your grandpa's ears. and then they die.

so you buy more fish, and within a couple months they swell up like balloons with pathetic bugging eyes, and flop around your plastic pirate skull for a few days before they die.

so you buy more fish, different fish, and within a couple months their little heads are covered with deep holes into their cranium all the way to their brain from burrowing parasites. which, of course, makes them die.

and then the fish that didn't swell up or sprout hair or leak brains are suddenly covered in leprous white spots. but this is good because you know what this is! this is ich, also known as "white spot!" finally, a fish disease that is both identifiable and curable! so you buy some methylene blue, treat the fish, the white spots go away, and then they die from the harsh chemical in the treatment (which, by the way, is carcinogenic).

it's enough to make a girl cry. what's a sensitive fishkeeper to do?

the answer: stealth fish euthanasia.
and frankly, i have no idea how it's done. i employ an in-house fish executioner/coroner - he operates with utmost secrecy, and his, uh, "methods" are classified information. terminally ill fish simply disappear.

which is perfect for a sensitive soul like me.

... we hold this truth to be self-evident, that all fish are endowed with certain unalienable rights, that among these are buggy eyes, bright flaky food, and a dignified death by guillotine.